Saturday, January 27, 2007

Cancer History X


The great thing about cancer is it forces a kickass hairstyle change. I joined Karen in hair loss --- as much for solidarity as the wide berth people cut for me when they assume my hairstyle represents a radical political opinion.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Religious Irony


He lived with the poor. He cared about health care for those who couldn't afford it. He took a vow of poverty. Yes, in modern terms, Jesus Christ of Nazareth was a liberal. So why do so many conservatives in the United States claim him as their exclusive property?

It's just another delicious irony in this modern world where simplicity and ease of thought --- liberal and conservative --- is the easiest path through life.

Jesus, how about a special request? Could you save us from ourselves?

Sunday, January 21, 2007

As Seen On T.V.


While driving home tonight, I witnessed something I've only seen before on an episode of "Cops" --- a knucklehead driving on a rim, refusing to pull over for police. And what makes this such a spectical is the sparks that were flying off the retard's vehicle. When metal scratches pavement at a high rate of speed you are guaranteed to see a white trash fireworks display. I spotted this a good half mile in front of me. And the rim rider kept on with the sparks --- on a four lane highway no less --- for at least two miles, passing several exit ramps and an unending shoulder while forging ahead. He finally stopped in the middle of the highway when the front suspension on his Ford pickup (or somebody else's presuming the pickup was stolen) finally collapsed. As I was passing the police car, the cop was rushing out of his vehicle with his gun drawn to confront the knucklehead. I'd forgive the cop if he put a cap in the pickup driver for forcing him to get out of his car in the middle of traffic while traffic was flying past him inches away at 65 m.p.h.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Sending the Good Stuff


For about a year, I've been trading CDs on this service called LaLa. It's a real simple and genius idea. You list a bunch of CDs you're willing to trade along with a list of CDs you want. And for every CD you mail out in a prepaid envelope, somebody will mail you something off your want list. It's $1.75 per trade --- just the right price for a cheap bastard like me. I've traded about 250 CDs this way. And today, for the first time, I sent a CD to somebody who is notable. Scott Jacobson, a writer on The Daily Show, will soon be listening to my copy of Lloyd Cole's "Don't Get Weird On Me Babe" which is song for song, Lloyd's finest musical achievement.

Believe me, it's really reassuring that somebody associated with one of television's most brilliant shows did not request my copy of the Gin Blossom's "New Miserable Experience".

Thursday, January 18, 2007

The Nuge


AUSTIN - Hours after Gov. Rick Perry kicked off his second full term in office, rocker Ted Nugent helped him celebrate at a black-tie gala, but not all attendees were pleased by the performance. Using machine guns as props, Nugent appeared onstage as the final act of the inaugural ball wearing a cut-off T-shirt emblazoned with the Confederate flag and shouting offensive remarks about non-English speakers, according to people who were in attendance. Perry's spokesman, Robert Black, downplayed the Tuesday night incident.
"Ted Nugent is a good friend of the governor's. He asked him if he would play at the inaugural. He didn't put any stipulation of what he would play," Black said.

Much like Gov. Perry, I was a big fan of The Nuge when I was 12. Then I turned 13 and the Motor City Madman's act had grown tiresome to me.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Discount Stupid T-Shirts


A few months ago, my friend Tara taught me how to screen t-shirts. She might as well have been showing me how to spark up a crack pipe for the first time. I've been on a t-shirt making tear ever since --- screening up every dumb shirt I could think of but couldn't bring myself to buy. Rock show shirts are a good example. I stopped buying those years ago --- about the time that authetic rock shirts starting costing twice as much as the admission price to a rock show. That and because I was in my mid-30s and was too old to either rock or wear rock shirts. But now that I've discovered I can make them for no more than the cost of a new or used Fruit of the Loom, I'm making shirts featuring bands I don't even like anymore.

Doody


I can perform many routine household repairs. And even if I can't, I can usually diagnose the problem. For example, I knew when all of the toilets were backed up in the house, I knew I needed to use an auger to dislodge the, uh, backed up shit in the waste line. However, I was unsuccessful in my attempts to use my own 6 dollar auger (also known as a toilet snake --- no, not that kind) to dislodge the refuse. So I called Roto-Rooter to deal with the crap. Roto-Rooter came out an hour after I called them and employed a heavy duty auger, or big time toilet snake, to dislodge the backed up toilet snakes in my plumbing. The bill was a cool $251. For less money than I spent on that bill, I could have purchased the same heavy duty toilet snake used by the Roto-Rooter operative and taken care of my own business. Shit.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Committee


I'm forming an exploratory committee to investigate whether I should have lunch today. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have lunch, but it looks a lot more official and uh, presidential, if a committee tells me that I should eat.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Subtle

Mr. California


I never felt as under-equipped for an evening out until I saw this guy. Here are the list of things I forgot:

1. Rolled up t-shirt featuring advertisement of my last vacation spot.
2. Starched khaki pants.
3. Cell phone belt holster.
4. Flashlight belt holster.
5. Barbed wire biceps tattoo.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Chris Gaines


I'm not positive of this fact, but I believe that William J. Elmore owns more wigs than Elton John. Even if he doesn't, he wears a hairpiece with just as much attitude as Sir John.