It's smelling a lot like Tuesday

Loaded

2009-06-15T23:52:00.000-07:00

For those of you wondering what it looks like to take a road trip on a 125 cc motor scooter.

Weird French TV

2009-06-06T14:46:00.000-07:00

Apparently, this show is a French rip off of the American rip off of Britain's "The Office." The difference is the entire show takes place in front of the office coffee machine. I thought the show was funny. However, I likely would have found it less funny if I spoke French.

I have no idea what's going on in this photo either

2009-06-04T18:58:00.000-07:00

Scooters in Paris

2009-05-11T05:50:00.000-07:00

They were weird, wonderful and everywhere.

Crazy Cathedral in Cologne

2009-05-09T14:35:00.000-07:00

Stripes

2009-05-09T14:33:00.000-07:00

Welkom

2009-05-09T14:30:00.000-07:00

Hazel, where have you gone?

2009-04-02T15:16:00.000-07:00

This lovely burned out shell of a house at 2209 Pennsylvania in South Dallas is for sale for the fire sale price of $9,000. Since it's old, and once might have been cool, I looked it up in the newspapers archives to see who lived there. In 1942, it was the home of 11-year-old Hazel Reilly. That year, little Hazel won the Junior Fire Chief award from the city for pointing out 397 fire hazards in her neighborhood. Somewhere, Hazel is bowing her head in shame.

Rockers v. Mods III, Dallas Texas

2009-03-28T14:41:00.001-07:00

Cantankerous

2009-02-02T19:02:00.000-08:00

Starts when it wants to, idles when it wants to, and leaves you smelling like a vat of gasoline after a riding it. Sure, I bought this 1977 Yamaha XS400 for 600 bucks. But now it owns me.

Bad Manners -- Granada Theater -- 01/22/09

2009-01-26T19:32:00.000-08:00

Few men have more ska street cred than this fat bald English guy who sweats until he's forced to strip down to his underwear. Buster Bloodvessel, you my friend, are a performer.

Black Mountain hideaway

2008-12-09T18:58:00.001-08:00

Sach built this cabin with his bare hands. In the snow.

The Chuck E. Throwdown

2008-12-09T10:41:00.000-08:00

Of all the shit that went down at the Chuck E. Cheese I worked at as a teenager --- including an armed robbery, underage employee drinking and a policy of hiring thugs when teenagers were in short supply --- this item was never on the store's mayhem menu. It seems that parents are now the problem at Chuck E.'s nationwide because they're having regular Old West barroom fights at the kid insanity palaces. Parents are beating the shit out of each other as the animatronic robots play the role of the saloon piano player, according to the Wall Street Journal.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB122878081364889613.html

My favorite quote? "In Milwaukee, the store posted a sign outlining a dress code that prohibits what it calls "gang-style apparel." That location also implemented a code of conduct that prohibits knives, chains, screwdrivers and glass cutters."

America, Fuck Yeah!

Won't Give Up

2008-11-15T16:04:00.000-08:00

It'll be too cold to ride the scooter when the gas in the tank freezes.

Little ditty, 'bout Jack and Lee Harvey

2008-11-03T08:44:00.001-08:00

Post-Hurricane Galveston

2008-10-28T17:26:00.000-07:00

Last chance for snacks, rugs.

2008-10-22T19:09:00.001-07:00

Lost in Central Colorado

2008-10-05T09:12:00.000-07:00

Blue collar lunch break

2008-10-05T09:06:00.000-07:00

Boston brownstones

2008-10-05T09:05:00.001-07:00

Du-Rag

2008-10-05T09:02:00.000-07:00

In this post Jheri-Curl world, what exactly is the purpose of the Du-Rag?

I feel pretty

2008-09-27T22:55:00.001-07:00

Spiritualized, Lakewood Theater, 9-25-08

2008-09-27T22:53:00.000-07:00

Buena Vista

2008-08-13T18:18:00.000-07:00

I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure what buena vista means in Spanish. And it means this view. It's what we got out of from a $60 a night cabin at a KOA in Buena Vista, CO

No less than two miles from this cabin is where the federal "Super Max" penitentiary is located. That's where they keep Ted Kazinski and the dudes who blew up the World Trade Center the first time. So, it begs a philosophical questioned posed by Will: if you're going to spend the rest of your life in prison, would you want this view knowing you'll never get to do anything about it, or would not having this view be less torture?

Scooter Libby

2008-07-19T16:07:00.000-07:00

My regards to the energy commodity traders who used laws passed by Congress as a favor to Enron to give us all $4 gasoline. I will now be paying $5 total to fill up my new tank.

Gaston Avenue angle

2008-07-06T09:07:00.000-07:00

The best miles per gallon in New Orleans

2008-06-29T11:08:00.000-07:00

I knew there was something different about riding in New Orleans "God's Power" taxi when the cab driver seemed to be completely unconcerned about driving over the massive bridges that lead into town when his gas gauge was way past empty. I asked him "Umm, are we going to make it?" He said: "Sure. The gas gauge is broken."

Failed Advertizing

2008-06-19T11:18:00.000-07:00

The new television ads for the 2008 Chevy Silverado --- which run in Texas almost continuously because we love us some pickup trucks --- are desperate. Not only that, they have this let's hope Texans are as dumb as they look air about them. The ads pimp the fact that the Silverado gets the best miles per gallon in it's class. And here's where the ad bets we are stupid --- they actually list the rating. The Silverado gets 15 mpg in the city and 20 mpg on the highway. That's Hummer mileage! Why would they even bother trying to sell a big ass truck as a gas saver? In Texas, all you have to do is fly the Lone Star flag behind something, label it as tradition, and we'll buy the hell out of it.

Dorks on a porch

2008-06-13T07:09:00.001-07:00

the angry stick

2008-06-13T07:08:00.001-07:00

FM 2005 outdoor potty break

2008-06-13T07:05:00.000-07:00

Dallas suburban scooter idiots

2008-05-28T09:23:00.000-07:00

While everybody is hurting bad in Dallas because of $4 gas, it hasn't bothered me much. I only live 2.8 miles from work and my vehicles are fairly fuel efficient. Regardless, I'd probably spend a grand total of $5 a week on gas if I drove a scooter. I've strongly considered buying a Yamaha Vino 125, which costs about $3,000 new. It would be fun to ride, but I'm still a bit cheap and don't want to part with the 3 grand. I'd rather ride my mountain bike which, last time I checked, uses no gasoline. So read this account from the Dallas Morning News about a couple of high living idiots in Flower Mound. They had the scooter idea like me, but still aren't clear on the concept of money management and cost savings:

Kim Hale figures sometimes you have to spend money to save a money.

So, a few weeks ago, as her T-Rex-sized GMC Denali continued to chew through $100 bills at the gas station, the Flower Mound stay-at-home mom decided to submit to the economy of scale.

She and her Porsche-driving husband, Jim, bought scooters.

Not any scooters, mind you, but trendy, Italian, I-shop-for-sushi-with-a-burlap-bag Vespas. With custom paint, the pair cost just north of $15,000. The environmental panache came free.

"We figure they'll pay for themselves in no time," said Mrs. Hale, 40. "It cost $14 to fill them both up and they get 60 miles per gallon."

The fuzzy math goes something like this – Mrs. Hale spends about $400 a month quenching the thirst of her SUV. This summer, she plans to roll around Flower Mound on her Vespa instead. She said the savings should make the payment on their scooters.

Last weekend was a good example. She and her 43-year-old husband took the scooter to the grocery store, to dinner and to Target.

"I was joking with my husband," she said. "We probably saved $30 this weekend in gasoline alone, and that's just driving around town."

Accidentally Rockabilly

2008-05-18T09:56:00.000-07:00

After this photo was taken, I listened to Gene Vincent continuously for seven hours.

Jerk in a park

2008-05-06T05:55:00.000-07:00

Manhood

2008-05-06T05:54:00.001-07:00

Watching a man sit at a sidewalk cafe with his four chihuahuas is an emasculating experience.

Train station birthday, Boston

2008-05-01T19:44:00.000-07:00

Big Dipper, 4/26/08, Boston

2008-05-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

Throwing signs

2008-04-30T18:57:00.001-07:00

I've probably known this story since the second grade. Some guy named Paul Revere climbed up in a Boston church tower 250 years ago and hung lanterns to warn people that the British were coming --- one if by land, two if by sea. Stupid story --- who knows if its true. But it was worth a visit to the North Church, which probably gets a lot more business these days from history dorks like me than real live parishioners.

Friday evening in the south Boston projects

2008-04-30T18:50:00.001-07:00

Better get a roommate

2008-04-28T19:06:00.000-07:00

Goat order

2008-04-28T19:02:00.000-07:00

"Yeah. I'd like half of this goat killed. I want to save the other half for later."

Extra Baggage

2008-04-28T13:17:00.000-07:00

I usually groan when a major airline announces it's found another way to charge a fee. However, having just returned from a trip to Boston, I applaud American Airlines decision to charge passengers $25 to check a second bag. You know why --- people take entirely too much shit with them when they travel. I saw one couple who were chatting about their weekend getaway, and both of them were lugging two huge rolling bags each.

Listen up travel jackoffs: unless you are relocating to a foreign country for six months, you shouldn't be carrying a second checked bag. In fact, you probably shouldn't even be carrying a first checked bag.

Convert to the religion of john_clarke. I haven't checked a bag in at least five years. If I can't fit it in a medium-sized backpack, fuck it, I don't need it. Well what about bringing enough clothes? Clothes are meant to be worn at least twice when john_clarke travels --- I'm going on a vacation, not a fashion show. And guess what, if my six-year-old Muddy Waters t-shirt starts to reek, it could be washed. The payoff of carrying my crap on my back is that the check-in procedure is a breeze --- I get in and out of the airport as quickly as possible. And better yet, it's impossible for my luggage to get lost because it never leaves my side, figuratively.

However, only about 5 percent of the American traveling public is like me. This became extremely apparent when the cheapo airline I was using did not have an automated kiosk allowing me bypass the ticket counter beating. I had to wait in line for about 20 minutes with all of the sheep who were towing rolling bags the size of Chevy Yukons behind them. The 95 pound female ticket agent look exhausted from having to lug those beasts onto the conveyor belts.

So, go for it American Airlines. Charge $100 per checked bag if you want. It might be the only way to force people to downsize their oversized lives.

Half-assed contractor

2008-04-13T14:26:00.001-07:00

I needed a decent contracter to do some drywall and texture repair to a ceiling in my house. So I found this guy in East Dallas named Paul Brown. He agreed to repair for a fair price, did good work and was quick about it.

He seemed nice enough too, if a little on the chatty side. He also said something that is sort of relevant now, I guess. He said: "My pastor told me to always do a job like you're working for God." Right then I was a little weirded out --- strangers who bring up religion in casual conversation always make me feel that way. I'm OK with whatever beliefs a person has, but I'm a true "deeds not words" believer --- don't tell me about your Christianity, show me.

After he finished, I made a deal with him to repair and paint all of the cracks in the walls in my house. Paul Brown wants $550 --- $275 up front and $275 upon completion. Paul Brown does about four or five hours worth of work and never comes back. I call him repeatedly and he doesn't respond. He leaves all of his stuff in my house too. So I've got a house full of unfinished plaster repair --- there are four rooms where he's left work half finished --- and all of his materials, should I choose to use them.

So I've spend the last two weekends finishing what Paul Brown of A&B Services or Paul's Painting Concepts --- depending on what business card he's using this week --- should have finished.

Paul Brown may have got a better contracting job offer that week or he may have had some sort of tragedy happen in his life. But dude, be a man and call your customer and tell him you can't finish the job.

Now I'm wondering what God would think about Paul Brown's half-assed effort.

You Don't Know Jack County

2008-04-13T14:21:00.000-07:00

The late 1930's courthouse in Jack County doesn't look like much from the outside. But inside it's just the same as it was 70 years ago --- marvelous. It was built by the WPA --- a New Deal-era program that put people back to work during the depression. I'd like to personally thank the dude who decided to put these cool art deco fixtures in this building --- they're outstanding.

Gorilla Coat

2008-03-09T19:42:00.001-07:00

I thanked my lucky stars that no animal rights activists were waiting in line for a new registration sticker when this woman sat down in front of me at the department of motor vehicles wearing a coat made from the very rare and nearly extinct white gorilla.

I can't close my eyes and make it go away

2008-03-05T18:45:00.000-08:00

In 1983, a mulleted Bono stood on this very spot, waving a white flag and singing a song he insisted "was not a rebel song." The song was "Sunday Bloody Sunday", the place was Red Rock Amphitheater in Colorado and the video in which U2's lead singer prances around between fires lit near the stage made the band famous in the United States. That live Red Rocks video had to have been played about a million times on MTV.

I kind of felt like a fed-up Irish Catholic sick of U.K. rule when I stood on the spot, even though I'm protestant and I was wearing a pullover with the word "ENGLAND" emblazoned on the front.

HGTV Comes To Gaston Avenue

2008-02-20T18:35:00.000-08:00

A lot of shit has gone down on Gaston Avenue over the years. But, I'd wager a guess that up until this point in time, none of it involved the Home And Garden Television Network, better known as HGTV.

About a month ago, I pitched my house to a show called "If Walls Could Talk". They feature houses with weird histories and sometimes appraise stuff that's found the historic houses. I figured since my house was a hippy commune in the 1970s, that fact would get the attention of the show's producers. It did. And three weeks later the show's crew was on my doorstep --- all eleven of them, including the show's host. It was fun. I spent all day with them last week, which included me doing reinactments of me finding stuff in my house, talking about its history for the camera and doing several surprise takes when an appraiser put a value on stuff in my house. On my own valition, I actually used the phrase "Holy Moly." But the best part of the show was a reinactment they did of hippies meditating in my breakfast room --- which really used to happen.

Watch for the show to air in about six months. I'm hoping it will be the stupidest episode of "If Walls Could Talk" ever.

Pimp C and Me

2008-02-06T10:16:00.001-08:00

I've learned that have something in common with rapper Pimp C --- besides the fact that we're both pimps and have names that include the letter C.

I'm struggling with a cold --- the kind that hangs around forever, like inlaws at Christmas. So I went to the store for a bottle of cough syrup. A cold and a cough has to really be bad for me to ingest cough syrup. The stuff has made me gag ever since I was six years old and still does. But I was willing to trade 2 seconds of gag reflex for four hours of lung chunking cough. So down goes the medicine.

Then I read that Pimp C did very much the same thing. Except Mr. C got high on cough syrup. And cough syrup doesn't mix well with sleep apnia. So he's now the late Pimp C.

So I'll pour a bit of Tussin on the ground for C.

It just goes to show --- gangsta lifestyle, sleep apnia, cough syrup --- something's always gonna get you.

Safe Drinking

2008-02-03T09:01:00.000-08:00

Jameson's fine Irish Whiskey is a completely different experience when consumed through a sippy cup.

Hico, Tex

2008-01-27T19:10:00.000-08:00

Hands on the Wheel

2008-01-27T19:06:00.000-08:00

At the 10 and 2 position, just like they taught me in driver's ed.

Llano River

2008-01-27T19:03:00.000-08:00

Waffle House Juvenile Fauxhawks

2008-01-23T19:12:00.000-08:00

Hello?

2008-01-23T19:11:00.000-08:00

No Bull!

2008-01-23T19:08:00.001-08:00

Billy Hollingworth is running for sheriff of Hamilton County. Also, he has a problem with male cows.

Geometry

2008-01-15T01:44:00.000-08:00

Sunday Morning Sun

2008-01-15T01:35:00.001-08:00

F*ckers!

2008-01-07T18:32:00.001-08:00

Another subtle difference between Europe and the United States: in the U.S., we don't have to advertise our f*ckers; they advertise themselves.

Small beer meets big beer

2008-01-07T18:10:00.001-08:00

New Year's Eve in Oak Cliff

2008-01-01T19:24:00.001-08:00

Lava cat

2008-01-01T19:22:00.000-08:00

Family photo

2008-01-01T19:21:00.001-08:00

Maastricht cobblestones

2007-12-31T16:26:00.001-08:00

Cracky

2007-12-31T16:22:00.000-08:00

No matter how much we tried to avoid it, at the end of each night in Holland, either me or my travelmates stopped inside a store and bought chocolate waffles, oddly flavored chips and 11 percent alcohol beer. Then we woke up the next morning with chocolate rings around our faces.

Trash Day in Utrecht

2007-12-30T19:41:00.001-08:00

Fungus Face

2007-12-30T19:38:00.000-08:00

Enjoying Art

2007-12-30T19:37:00.001-08:00

Lime Toilet

2007-12-30T19:34:00.000-08:00

Creepy

2007-12-22T04:05:00.001-08:00

Somebody call the police.

Dublin

2007-12-22T04:03:00.001-08:00

I am not in Ireland.

The Best Smell Anywhere

2007-12-22T04:00:00.000-08:00

There's a lot of things that we do wrong in Texas. Barbeque is not one of them.

Stupid Ringtone

2007-12-17T11:16:00.000-08:00

I had to get a new cell phone because the old one self-destructed like all cell phones do after a period of two years of regular use. Even when you opt for the free cheap phone, like I always do (all I use the phone for is making and receiving calls --- imagine that!), you get a whole bunch of new features you didn't even think you'd want.

My new phone allows me to record things and set whatever asinine idiocy I record as my ring tone.

I immediately thought of David Cross and one of my favorites bits off of "Shut Up You Fucking Baby" as a possible ring tone. It's too long to explain here, but the bit involves an evening Cross spent in Kansas City which included drinking, drugging, the stupid band Harlow, a recreational vehicle, a hotel, a scheduled radio interview and his oversleeping that scheduled radio interview.

It culminates in him doing an impression of a hotel manager banging on his hotel room saying: "[Knock, knock, knock] Ansa ya telephone. [Knock, knock, knock] Ansa ya telephone."

That line is now my ring tone. And I'm probably the only one who thinks it's funny. Maybe one or two other people in the United States will get the reference and also think it's funny. Everyone else will just think I'm an idiot who downloaded a stupid generic ring tone. They'd be wrong, except for the idiot part.

Spandau Ballet have big shoes to fill

2007-12-15T14:43:00.000-08:00

Movimento

2007-12-15T14:41:00.000-08:00

Are you for real?

2007-12-15T14:39:00.000-08:00

His love for you is like a truck

2007-12-15T14:37:00.000-08:00

Suspended

2007-12-15T14:35:00.001-08:00

Idiots in Rotterdam

2007-12-09T13:57:00.000-08:00

The coolest room for rent in Holland

2007-12-09T13:53:00.000-08:00

In Maastricht, it's hard to get a bad hotel room. And sometimes you end up in a place like this.

Dutch nipples

2007-12-09T13:51:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the boobs of a girl in a window in Holland are not real. Sometimes the girl in a window in Holland is not real.

Screaming Neon in Utrecht

2007-12-09T13:49:00.001-08:00

Sheep

2007-11-21T08:05:00.000-08:00

Every year, Thanksgiving falls on a Thursday. And every year, the worst travel day of the year falls on the Wednesday before. And every fucking year, 70 million Americans are stupid enough to buy tickets to travel on Wednesday instead of asking for Tuesday off and traveling on that day. The sheep will get no sympathy from john_clarke as they stand in 5 hour security lines for planes that are 3 hours late. Happy Thanksgiving chumps!

On display

2007-11-15T16:44:00.000-08:00

My house was on a historic home tour last weekend. I didn't know what to expect. Would anybody show up? Would they think my house sucked? If not, would they steal anything?

Turns out, 250 people went through my house. A good percentage of them were gay couples. Believe me, there is nothing better than your home getting approving looks from men who know antiques, architecture, decor and are comfortable using the word "fabulous."

I am the god of hell fire, and I bring you . . .

2007-11-05T09:37:00.000-08:00

This morning around 4 a.m., I was nudged awake by a constant parade of screaming fire trucks barreling down Gaston Avenue.

This is not unusual as early morning sirens on Gaston are about common as Britney Spears' careless pregnancies. Most often, the fire trucks get called out for extremely non-emergency matters. I used to call ambulances and fire trucks the HMO plan for the stupid because when I was a police reporter, more than half of all emergency response calls I listened to on my handheld scanner were for entirely stupid reasons. For example, one time a drunk guy who wanted to get a ride across town called 911 and claimed he'd just been shot in the head. The ambulance showed up, found no bullet wound in his noggin and told him: "No, we will not give you a free ride. Thanks for wasting our time."

But this morning was different because there were just too many firetrucks rolling down my street to benefit one stupid drunk guy.

Turns out, the Villas at Gaston were getting really crispy courtesy of a raging inferno. Yay!

This is great news because nobody lived in the apartments, so one would assume no one got hurt. The apartments were boarded up and had been for sale forever. Gaston is littered with crap 1950's and 1960's era apartments that get worse with every successive owner. The clientele goes from steadily from urban hipsters, then to working class decent people, then to jobless knuckleheads who hang out on Gaston Avenue all day long and look for trouble. That cycle just ended for this complex. For now, until another complex goes up in its place.

Basic Cable-Inspired Halloween Costumes

2007-10-28T19:19:00.000-07:00

Move a little to the left

2007-10-18T05:47:00.001-07:00

No doubt, the most common photograph taken at the State Fair of Texas.

Shittiest Autograph Ever

2007-10-10T10:09:00.001-07:00

About 1975, when I was in the third grade, perennial just O.K. Texas Rangers catcher Jim Sundberg came to visit my elementary school in Richardson, Texas. This was a huge deal at the time because I'd never seen a real live celebrity --- local or otherwise --- before. He gave some speech about how we needed to stay in school and drink milk to have strong bones --- the usual sports-guy-to-kids speech. I'm not sure how Sundberg got roped into visiting Prairie Creek Elementary. It must have been a mandate from the Rangers' P.R. department or some sort of promotional deal. Yet at the end of his speech, all the kids got autographed photos of Sundberg. At the time, I didn't have any concept of sports autographs or what made them valuable or unique. That autographed photo was pinned to a cork board in my room for years. It wasn't until I was in the seventh grade that I realized that the autograph was shitty. It said: "Best wishes, from Dr. Pepper and Jim Sundberg."

Every Day

2007-10-09T19:26:00.000-07:00

I'm glad this low low price is good every day in Pearsall, Texas because I tend to go through boxes of shotgun shells at a rate of --- shoot --- at least one every other day.

Crowded House, 09-02-07, Vancouver, B.C.

2007-10-05T05:40:00.001-07:00

Wet rocker

2007-10-05T05:37:00.000-07:00

Normally, I hate outdoor rock shows because --- oh, I don't know --- sometimes it rains? But it's OK if the show is outside in Vancouver's stunning Stanley Park and the band playing is the great Crowded House. I didn't even notice it was raining.

Danger photo

2007-09-30T07:19:00.000-07:00

A bit of advice: If you're going to take a picture of the logo of a motorcycle gang outside their club house, don't do it at night and don't use a flash.

Two minutes after I took this, three gang (club?) members came out of the building and accosted me, informing me that :"we've got cameras posted all around this building."

After assuring them that I wasn't a CIA agent or some other sort of incognito spy, I was allowed to keep my camera and my life.

Modified

2007-09-28T05:35:00.000-07:00

Poo to You

2007-09-20T05:44:00.000-07:00

Teepee Motor Court, Wharton, Tx.

2007-09-16T19:04:00.001-07:00

Centrally located

2007-09-09T15:45:00.000-07:00

You guessed it. I'm downtown. In the heart of the city, as a matter of fact.

Sikh security guard

2007-09-09T15:42:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure who would want to break into a port-o-toilet, but if it happens, this Sikh security guard is ready for action.

Gastown, Vancouver

2007-09-09T15:40:00.000-07:00

Trainspotting

2007-09-09T15:38:00.000-07:00

Hi there

2007-09-05T20:43:00.001-07:00

Famous phone numbers

2007-08-27T13:25:00.000-07:00

I had to look up a number in Karen's cell phone today. And since I don't know how to use the complicated phone well, I had to scroll through the incredibly long alphabetical list of people my late wife knew to find who I was looking for. One of the phone numbers I scrolled past were the home digits for one Robert Smith. I couldn't be him, could it?