The Rose

Few things make me want to kick in my television more than when Rosie O'Donnell appears on the screen. It just defies me as to how she ever got famous. As far as I can tell, she started out as a stand-up comic in the late 1970's and early 1980's. And her entire career has been a series of late to the game maneuvers. Take her stand-up career. She used to be on Comedy Central all the time in the 1980's, hosting some stand-up show. And she busted out some of her act during the show. Her act consisted of absolutely no original or fresh material. Instead she relied on her East Coast accent and abrasive attitude as her schtick. So basically she was doing the same thing as Andrew Dice Clay, but as a female and years after he started that act.

Next, despite being unbelievably irritating, Rosie lands roles in some bad Hollywood movies. A terrible Flinstones movie and another flick where she plays an undercover cop and goes to a S&M fantasy island with Dan Ackroyd come to mind. Again, this is well traveled territory for the stand-up comic --- Louie Anderson did this too, before Rosie.

Then she becomes the cut-rate Oprah. I've only seen her talk show once, because it was on in the daytime and I've got a job. I was in an emergency room, vomiting my head off, praying from some drugs to make it stop, and Rosie's show was blaring at full volume in the waiting room. It made me vomit even more.

But what really gets me about Rosie is her strident side --- that need she has to attach herself to a cause. Again, it's always way late in the game by the time Rosie gets involved. Remember when she announced to Barbara Walters that she was gay? Um, Rosie, hate to spoil it for you but everybody knew that already. And nobody cares. But nevertheless, she came off in the interview like she was the first lesbian ever. She also explained that somehow, she wanted to make the announcement for the sake of her adopted kids and that lesbians make good moms. Great, I support that sentiment, but if Rosie was my adopted mom, her nonstop bleating might make me crawl out of my skin.

So despite the allergic reaction I have to the woman, last night I couldn't stop watching some new made-for-tv movie Rosie was in. She played a retarded woman. I'm sure she jumped at this role because it had an issue she could talk about in interviews --- the mentally retarded are people too, you know. This may be a shock, but Rosie isn't a very good actress. And to prepare for this role, she apparantly studied up on Rainman and Peewee's Playhouse. Everytime she spoke, she sounded like an autistic Peewee Herman. "Let's go get some ice creeeeem. Ahh huh huh huh!" It was delicious. But again, I feel sorry for all of the fine mentally retarded citizens that Rosie has unfairly maligned by this portrayal.