john_clarke, killer

I bought a copy of Battlefield:1942 at Target for 10 bucks on Sunday. I might as well bought some crack and a pipe because every day this week after work, I've spent hours hunched over my computer keyboard shooting Nazis on an electronic battlefield. This game is a first person shooter with a lot of twists. You run along a battlefield with an army and you can choose to be five different types of soldiers. The game has been an introspective experience for me. It's taught me exactly what kind of killer I resemble. Here's what I've learned through playing fake soldier.

1. Assault gun soldier: This is the first soldier I tried out. He carries a machine gun and is expected to charge ahead of the troops and take on the enemy at short range. Machine guns are good right? However, I don't have the stomach for this job. I'm forced to get a little closer to the evil enemy than makes me comfortable. Besides, I die a lot. And that hurts, even though the pain is only on my computer screen.

2. Bazooka Soldier: This guy carries a big tube on his shoulder and launches rockets at tanks. For a bit of overkill, he can launch the big boom rocket at an enemy soldier. This is fun. I enjoy explosions. But when the shit comes down and four enemy soldiers bum rush me, I have to drop the rocket launcher and reach for a pistol --- my only other real weapon. This makes me feel extremely inadequate.

3. Medic Soldier: The medic carries a light machine gun and a bag 'o medicine that restores health, to himself and other soldiers. Ideally, in a multiplayer game, the medic fixes up teammates who've been shot. But in the single player version which I always play, where all the fellow soldiers are robots, rarely if ever does a robot call for a medic. So I end up dosing myself up with my own medicine while the robots die. This is too selfish for my own conscience. Besides, Private Ryan would never do this.

4. Engineer Soldier: This guy carries explosives and a rifle. He's supposed to fix tanks and blow up large objects. I have yet to try this guy out because I just don't want to fix tanks driven by robots. Also, I'm sure placing the explosives takes some precision and timing. Again, no patience for that.

5. Sniper Soldier: This soldier carries a rifle with a scope and a pair of binoculars that allow him to call for an artillery assault. He hangs back, watches and picks off bad dudes from a very safe distance. Ahhh, this is much more like it. I can fight a war without actually getting dirty. So, more often than not, john_clarke plays the sniper role. What a wimp.